Back to Where I started

I find it really hard when we can’t choose who we love and when. In life our hearts just decide on a person and you are left to deal with whatever situations arise from those feelings. I deal with the constant struggle of feeling guilty because I love who I am with, but I’ve also realized that my feelings for another has grown past the stage of liking. I’ve known this one individual for three years now, and I have liked him from the very first moment I laid eyes upon him, but I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years now.

I had been able to resist these feelings up until this past summer, because he had never had the same feelings. This summer he admitted to liking me too. We tried to be together and it didn’t work out. I was devastated and didn’t know what to do with myself. People started to worry that I was becoming an alcoholic due to how often I got drunk in a single week. Him and I hadn’t talked for just over six months, until recently. We got back in touch, and I was instantly reminded of how I felt about him.

He asked if I still liked him, and I told him my honest answer. When I asked when he stopped liking me, he took a long time to give me a straight answer. Eventually he told me that I was basically pretty but not datable, “if that makes sense”. I know it’s because we didn’t work out before, but that doesn’t change how much I wish we could try again. I know it’s not fair to who I’m with now, but I can’t keep denying it. It causes me a lot of pain to keep it hidden, or to try and convince myself that I don’t feel this way anymore.

I know that we’ll never be together, and I’ve come to terms with that as long as I can still have him as my friend. I write letters to him sometimes, but I never send them, nor will he ever see them. It’s for my own benefit, and I don’t think he would take the words written in it that well. I just wish that we could discuss the events that took place this summer, but he doesn’t want to bring it up and reopen the wounds that have slowly been healing for me. ┬áIt’s funny because I’ve been waiting for him to tell me he still had feelings for me for the last six months, and when he finally does, I don’t know how to respond. I want to tell him 100% how I feel about him, but I rather not scare him away again.

Which Direction to Take

When I think of my future, I know what I want. I want a family and a career, I want a home not just a house. I want love and respect. I want to help children grow up to become better. I want to create a better tomorrow. 

I have this idea printed firmly in my head, and I can see the pathway so clearly, until I’m ready to start making my way toward those dreams. I keep getting mixed up and lost along the way. My plans seem to be changing day by day, while I stay completely the same. 

I take a step toward a happily ever after, but someone else is always on my mind. I feel as though I’ll never be able to forget him, or love anyone more than him, and it’s not fair to the one I’m with, but I can’t convince my heart otherwise. I want to keep taking steps forward, I really do, but I can’t as long as I’m in love with this man. 

I know he doesn’t return the feelings, not in the slightest, and I can’t tell him about them or I’ll never hear from him again. It would probably benefit me if we never spoke again, but he’s one of my best friends and I miss him. I could tell him anything that was on my mind. Somethings I can’t even tell my significant other. 

I feel as though I am hiding from him, and that I am doing something wrong, but the only thing I am keeping from him is the pain and agony within my heart. It seems my world is getting darker and darker, and I feel as though I am beginning to suffocate underneath the weight of everything I deal with. I’m starting to lose motivation and trust in myself. I’m starting to forget why I stopped doing certain things, and I’m starting to remember why I did others in the first place. 

Seeing You Again

This past weekend has been hell on my heart. I had almost convinced myself that I didn’t miss you, that I didn’t like you anymore, that maybe I wasn’t actually falling in love with you, but then I had to see you again. 

Just heading your name made the familiar ping of sadness return. Then I had to deal with you not looking at me. Why wouldn’t you look at me? 

My friend said it was because it would bring back the memories, all the moments we shared together, but I think she was just trying to make me feel better about the fact that I miss you so terribly. I don’t think I’ve ever missed a guy this much. 

I can feel the sharp pain in my heart just thinking about you. I really wish you would have looked at me, said hello to me, or just wasn’t a complete jerk to me when I tried to apologize to you for everything that happened. I just want to be your friend again.