Seeing You Again

This past weekend has been hell on my heart. I had almost convinced myself that I didn’t miss you, that I didn’t like you anymore, that maybe I wasn’t actually falling in love with you, but then I had to see you again. 

Just heading your name made the familiar ping of sadness return. Then I had to deal with you not looking at me. Why wouldn’t you look at me? 

My friend said it was because it would bring back the memories, all the moments we shared together, but I think she was just trying to make me feel better about the fact that I miss you so terribly. I don’t think I’ve ever missed a guy this much. 

I can feel the sharp pain in my heart just thinking about you. I really wish you would have looked at me, said hello to me, or just wasn’t a complete jerk to me when I tried to apologize to you for everything that happened. I just want to be your friend again. 

Memories within a Thunderstorm

The last thunderstorm I can remember happened before I ever knew how you felt about me. It happened while I was still trying to convince myself that I didn’t like you, that my heart was confused. But it was only me who was confused. 

I wish I could say that I don’t feel that way anymore, hell I’d believe it until I saw you again. The thought of seeing you sends the butterflies soaring. I doubt you feel that way. 

I dread the thought of seeing you because I know that I never truly mattered to you. I really wish I knew you’d be here before I decided to come. 

Driving through a thunderstorm reminds me of all the flirting, all the laughter, and when I still thought you’d keep your promises and always be there for me. So much has happened since that day, and I can’t decide if I wish I could erase it or relive it. 

I think that was the day that I let myself accept that I liked you because it was so difficult pretending that I didn’t. It was also the day that I started to wonder if you liked me too. Foolish me, getting my hopes up to only have them crushed. 

I Want to Live

I want to live my life as freely and happily as possible. I want to travel the world and live an adventure. I want to meet different people and be able to tell my children and grand children about all the things I used to do. 

I want to fall in love so hard that it hurts to think of my life without that person. I want to breathe so much joy and enthusiasm into the world that generation after generation will be able to feel the mark I left behind. 

I want so badly for my life to be filled with magic. Filled to the brim with hope, joy, and love, always love. 

I long to make a difference, to help others as much as I possibly can. I want to try my hardest to make this world a better place. 

I want so desperately, so utterly completely, with 100% of my being, to live. 

Valentine’s Day blues

Isn’t it funny, how on Valentine’s Day I could dream about you? The only day that I haven’t been able to deny the fact that I was falling so hard for you. I can’t believe that it’s been so many month since we last spoke. Almost six to be exact. I can still remember the way you made me feel alive, and how I truly thought you’d stick around. How foolish of me right? 

You thought that I’d be over you in no time, that I would move on and forget. I tried. Believe me I truly did try. But you made me feel more alive than I had for a while, and I don’t think my soul will ever be able to forget that. 

I’ve never been one for Valentine’s Day, and I hate it more so this year than ever before. I don’t care if we’ll never have a relationship, I just want you to be my friend again. I want you back in my life. I miss you. 

2am conversations. 

I don’t really get what it is about two in the morning, but that seems to be when we choose to have the deepest conversations of our lives with friends or loved ones. My most recent conversations pertained to relationships. 

My friend asked about my relationship with my boyfriend, and I explained the toughest part of my relationship; the committment. No, I’m not saying that I have major committment issues where I have a hard time staying with one person. I struggle with staying in one place. 

I’m so used to moving from one place to the next, where things constantly change. It’s sometimes difficult for me to stay perfectly content with a steady relationship. I love my partner, and I am extremely happy with him, but I struggle with the feelings of being trapped or stuck in a continuous loop. 

Driving Down Memory Lane. 

I’m surprised that I’ve made it this long since thinking about you, but here I am, remembering everything I ever liked about you. The sky is dark, starless and moonless, something that rarely happened when we were together. Street lights pass, as well as the bright headlights of oncoming traffic, and it just reminds me how much I miss you. 

I miss you in a way I’ve been denying. I don’t want to miss the romance, I miss the smiles we shared night after night, the laughs day after day. I miss the gentle touch of your hand as we crossed paths. I just miss YOU. 

It feels like forever since I looked into those burning brown eyes that you thought were average. Average wouldn’t haunt my dreams like your eyes do. 

You always had such a grumpy look on your face, but when it was graced with a smile, it lit up the entire room. Your laughter filled my heart with so much happiness that it feels cracked without it. I really miss the small moments. All the times you claimed to be anything but romantic, and then you’d say something sappy to try and raise my spirits. I feel like I’ll never be able to drive past this place, let alone go visit without feeling this ache in my heart. I really wish you’d come back telling me that you feel the same way, but I know deep in my soul that you won’t. That you don’t. And that’s okay because at least I know what I actually meant to you. 

……..nothing. 

My Dearest R

It’s been nearly six months since I last spoke to you, and I still miss you terribly. I’ve realized that you unfriended me and have likely blocked all contact with me because of everything that happened between us, but that doesn’t change the fact that those things still happened. While cleaning my room, I found the book I used to write things in over the summer, and within the many pages I found things that I wrote about you. Many of the things came after we had our fight but the feelings still remain the same. I miss you and the friendship we had before “us” happened.

But was there ever really an “us”? I mean, you held my hand like there was, you’d kiss me in the moonlight and tell me how I was yours and that no one else could have me.You got jealous over any males who spoke to me or showed the slightest interest in me. Sounds a lot like you wanted “us” to be a reality, maybe as much as I did.

Yet now it’s been months upon months that I’ve tried to reach out to you, with nothing in return. Please explain to me what happened to all the promises you made me about how no matter what you were going to stay there for me? I’ve needed you over the last few months, things have fallen apart and I needed more people to talk too, but you weren’t there for me.

I want to blame you for everything that happened, I want to say that it was your fault for telling me that you liked me too, for leading me on and saying all these things about how much you wanted me, but it’s not your fault. It’s mine and mine alone. I allowed myself to listen to everything you said to me. I ignored the feeling in my gut telling me that it wasn’t going anywhere, because I was to focused on wanting it to be real because i had liked you so long. I was foolish for ever thinking that it could be more than a summer fling. I know that you’ll never read this, but I still want to say that I miss the person you let me believe you were. I miss all the late night conversations we would have, talking for what felt like hours underneath the moonlight. I hope that one day we can reconnect and be friends again. I truly miss you and your burning brown eyes.

Sincerely,

The girl with many emotions.