The Start of Something New

Today is the first day at my new apartment. So far it seems to be like a really good place. I’m a little scared of my one roommates because of the age difference between us. There is more than ten years age difference apparently. So far he doesn’t seem to be a scary man, just not sure how to approach him. He likes to sing though, which I find to be extremely intriguing. For the purpose of the blog, I will call him William, just so that I do not give his true identity away.

Another one of my roommates seems really relaxed. We have things in common, him being close to my age is a bonus though. His name is Sully, and I enjoy talking to him so far.

I went on an adventure today to get food, and thankfully I did not get lost. I mean, I did use a GPS, but I’m still proud of myself for not getting lost. As of right now, I have eaten a decent amount of dried cranberries, a chocolate chip muffin, and a fair amount of nacho flavoured gold fish crackers. I am adjusting to the college kid life fairly well, if I do say so myself.

That’s all for now. BYEEEEEEEEE

Here’s to New Beginnings

It seems that it is finally happening. I am moving and beginning to spread my wings. Honestly I am so excited yet so terrified at the same time. I am ready to move on from where I am, ready to leave this little town behind and start fresh. I cannot wait to be free to express myself for. I cannot wait to feel like I can take a lungful of air. I will be living my life 100% my way, without having to check with anyone else, without having to second guess myself all the time. I’ll make all my own choices, and I cannot wait for that.

Freedom is at my finger tips, and soon I will be able to breathe. Lately I’ve felt as though I have been suffocating due to issues in my relationship, and soon enough I will be free of all of that. No more emotional abuse at his hands, no more pressure to sleep with him, no more guilt tripping me into staying. I have signed the lease of my new apartment, I have told my jobs that I am leaving, and I have begun packing. Many things are about to change, and I truly hope that they will be for the better.

My biggest concern about the move has nothing to do with myself. I am concerned about how my dear cat will take it. He’s already moved once, but he had another cat buddy with him. This time it will just be the two of us. I fear that he will go into a depression, and I am unsure of how he’ll adjust to everything. I truly hope that he will be okay. He is young enough that he should adjust fairly well.

I look forward to being closer to my family, and many more job opportunities. It will be strange to be in this new place by myself, and I know it will feel like learning to walk all over again, but I cannot contain my excitement at the new adventure I have ahead of me. I am starting the new chapter of my book, and I cannot see where the story line takes me.

Sincerely,

The Girl With Many Emotions

Back to Where I started

I find it really hard when we can’t choose who we love and when. In life our hearts just decide on a person and you are left to deal with whatever situations arise from those feelings. I deal with the constant struggle of feeling guilty because I love who I am with, but I’ve also realized that my feelings for another has grown past the stage of liking. I’ve known this one individual for three years now, and I have liked him from the very first moment I laid eyes upon him, but I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years now.

I had been able to resist these feelings up until this past summer, because he had never had the same feelings. This summer he admitted to liking me too. We tried to be together and it didn’t work out. I was devastated and didn’t know what to do with myself. People started to worry that I was becoming an alcoholic due to how often I got drunk in a single week. Him and I hadn’t talked for just over six months, until recently. We got back in touch, and I was instantly reminded of how I felt about him.

He asked if I still liked him, and I told him my honest answer. When I asked when he stopped liking me, he took a long time to give me a straight answer. Eventually he told me that I was basically pretty but not datable, “if that makes sense”. I know it’s because we didn’t work out before, but that doesn’t change how much I wish we could try again. I know it’s not fair to who I’m with now, but I can’t keep denying it. It causes me a lot of pain to keep it hidden, or to try and convince myself that I don’t feel this way anymore.

I know that we’ll never be together, and I’ve come to terms with that as long as I can still have him as my friend. I write letters to him sometimes, but I never send them, nor will he ever see them. It’s for my own benefit, and I don’t think he would take the words written in it that well. I just wish that we could discuss the events that took place this summer, but he doesn’t want to bring it up and reopen the wounds that have slowly been healing for me. ┬áIt’s funny because I’ve been waiting for him to tell me he still had feelings for me for the last six months, and when he finally does, I don’t know how to respond. I want to tell him 100% how I feel about him, but I rather not scare him away again.

Which Direction to Take

When I think of my future, I know what I want. I want a family and a career, I want a home not just a house. I want love and respect. I want to help children grow up to become better. I want to create a better tomorrow. 

I have this idea printed firmly in my head, and I can see the pathway so clearly, until I’m ready to start making my way toward those dreams. I keep getting mixed up and lost along the way. My plans seem to be changing day by day, while I stay completely the same. 

I take a step toward a happily ever after, but someone else is always on my mind. I feel as though I’ll never be able to forget him, or love anyone more than him, and it’s not fair to the one I’m with, but I can’t convince my heart otherwise. I want to keep taking steps forward, I really do, but I can’t as long as I’m in love with this man. 

I know he doesn’t return the feelings, not in the slightest, and I can’t tell him about them or I’ll never hear from him again. It would probably benefit me if we never spoke again, but he’s one of my best friends and I miss him. I could tell him anything that was on my mind. Somethings I can’t even tell my significant other. 

I feel as though I am hiding from him, and that I am doing something wrong, but the only thing I am keeping from him is the pain and agony within my heart. It seems my world is getting darker and darker, and I feel as though I am beginning to suffocate underneath the weight of everything I deal with. I’m starting to lose motivation and trust in myself. I’m starting to forget why I stopped doing certain things, and I’m starting to remember why I did others in the first place.