Back to Where I started

I find it really hard when we can’t choose who we love and when. In life our hearts just decide on a person and you are left to deal with whatever situations arise from those feelings. I deal with the constant struggle of feeling guilty because I love who I am with, but I’ve also realized that my feelings for another has grown past the stage of liking. I’ve known this one individual for three years now, and I have liked him from the very first moment I laid eyes upon him, but I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years now.

I had been able to resist these feelings up until this past summer, because he had never had the same feelings. This summer he admitted to liking me too. We tried to be together and it didn’t work out. I was devastated and didn’t know what to do with myself. People started to worry that I was becoming an alcoholic due to how often I got drunk in a single week. Him and I hadn’t talked for just over six months, until recently. We got back in touch, and I was instantly reminded of how I felt about him.

He asked if I still liked him, and I told him my honest answer. When I asked when he stopped liking me, he took a long time to give me a straight answer. Eventually he told me that I was basically pretty but not datable, “if that makes sense”. I know it’s because we didn’t work out before, but that doesn’t change how much I wish we could try again. I know it’s not fair to who I’m with now, but I can’t keep denying it. It causes me a lot of pain to keep it hidden, or to try and convince myself that I don’t feel this way anymore.

I know that we’ll never be together, and I’ve come to terms with that as long as I can still have him as my friend. I write letters to him sometimes, but I never send them, nor will he ever see them. It’s for my own benefit, and I don’t think he would take the words written in it that well. I just wish that we could discuss the events that took place this summer, but he doesn’t want to bring it up and reopen the wounds that have slowly been healing for me. ┬áIt’s funny because I’ve been waiting for him to tell me he still had feelings for me for the last six months, and when he finally does, I don’t know how to respond. I want to tell him 100% how I feel about him, but I rather not scare him away again.

New year, same me.

The new year has started, and I have already seen many of the “new year, new me” posts going around social media. I’ve started off the new year without any real resolutions because no one typically follows through with them. I also started the year with a desire to change something about my life. I normally change my hair colour when I get this feeling, but I just recently changed it and don’t want to damage it anymore than I have too. I am getting a new tattoo in the next week and that isn’t a huge change for me. I cannot think of anything else to really change. I’m thinking of changing my style a little bit, and possibly going back to how I dressed in high school. At least a little similar. I’m not even in my twenties yet, and sometimes I feel like I could be going through a mid life crisis.

I want this year to look up for me, as I have struggled with self harm and self esteem issues since I was about 12 years old. Slowly my self esteem is building, and I am trying to combat depression as best as I can. I have a small cat who I love dearly and he helps make my days all the better. Does anyone else have ways they deal with the desire to change something? I can only think of so few things, and as of so far, the internet has not been helpful.

I hope everyone has started the year off pretty well, and that it remains golden for everyone.