Back to Where I started

I find it really hard when we can’t choose who we love and when. In life our hearts just decide on a person and you are left to deal with whatever situations arise from those feelings. I deal with the constant struggle of feeling guilty because I love who I am with, but I’ve also realized that my feelings for another has grown past the stage of liking. I’ve known this one individual for three years now, and I have liked him from the very first moment I laid eyes upon him, but I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years now.

I had been able to resist these feelings up until this past summer, because he had never had the same feelings. This summer he admitted to liking me too. We tried to be together and it didn’t work out. I was devastated and didn’t know what to do with myself. People started to worry that I was becoming an alcoholic due to how often I got drunk in a single week. Him and I hadn’t talked for just over six months, until recently. We got back in touch, and I was instantly reminded of how I felt about him.

He asked if I still liked him, and I told him my honest answer. When I asked when he stopped liking me, he took a long time to give me a straight answer. Eventually he told me that I was basically pretty but not datable, “if that makes sense”. I know it’s because we didn’t work out before, but that doesn’t change how much I wish we could try again. I know it’s not fair to who I’m with now, but I can’t keep denying it. It causes me a lot of pain to keep it hidden, or to try and convince myself that I don’t feel this way anymore.

I know that we’ll never be together, and I’ve come to terms with that as long as I can still have him as my friend. I write letters to him sometimes, but I never send them, nor will he ever see them. It’s for my own benefit, and I don’t think he would take the words written in it that well. I just wish that we could discuss the events that took place this summer, but he doesn’t want to bring it up and reopen the wounds that have slowly been healing for me.  It’s funny because I’ve been waiting for him to tell me he still had feelings for me for the last six months, and when he finally does, I don’t know how to respond. I want to tell him 100% how I feel about him, but I rather not scare him away again.

Memories within a Thunderstorm

The last thunderstorm I can remember happened before I ever knew how you felt about me. It happened while I was still trying to convince myself that I didn’t like you, that my heart was confused. But it was only me who was confused. 

I wish I could say that I don’t feel that way anymore, hell I’d believe it until I saw you again. The thought of seeing you sends the butterflies soaring. I doubt you feel that way. 

I dread the thought of seeing you because I know that I never truly mattered to you. I really wish I knew you’d be here before I decided to come. 

Driving through a thunderstorm reminds me of all the flirting, all the laughter, and when I still thought you’d keep your promises and always be there for me. So much has happened since that day, and I can’t decide if I wish I could erase it or relive it. 

I think that was the day that I let myself accept that I liked you because it was so difficult pretending that I didn’t. It was also the day that I started to wonder if you liked me too. Foolish me, getting my hopes up to only have them crushed.