Today is the first day at my new apartment. So far it seems to be like a really good place. I’m a little scared of my one roommates because of the age difference between us. There is more than ten years age difference apparently. So far he doesn’t seem to be a scary man, just not sure how to approach him. He likes to sing though, which I find to be extremely intriguing. For the purpose of the blog, I will call him William, just so that I do not give his true identity away.
Another one of my roommates seems really relaxed. We have things in common, him being close to my age is a bonus though. His name is Sully, and I enjoy talking to him so far.
I went on an adventure today to get food, and thankfully I did not get lost. I mean, I did use a GPS, but I’m still proud of myself for not getting lost. As of right now, I have eaten a decent amount of dried cranberries, a chocolate chip muffin, and a fair amount of nacho flavoured gold fish crackers. I am adjusting to the college kid life fairly well, if I do say so myself.
I’m ready to move on and live life. I’m ready to have an adventure, and see how many things will change for the better. I’m tired of feeling the way I do right now.
I’m tired of feeling like I can’t speak my mind, because I feel like a bitch for saying how I truly feel. I hate that I can’t express myself like I used too, because I’ve fallen so deep into this rut. I’m tired of being who I am right now.
I want to move, to experience different things, to find myself. I want to be challenged. I’m bored of what’s happening right now, because it’s nothing new. I’m the same old me that I’ve been for the last two years. I’m ready for new things to happen in my life.
I find it really hard when we can’t choose who we love and when. In life our hearts just decide on a person and you are left to deal with whatever situations arise from those feelings. I deal with the constant struggle of feeling guilty because I love who I am with, but I’ve also realized that my feelings for another has grown past the stage of liking. I’ve known this one individual for three years now, and I have liked him from the very first moment I laid eyes upon him, but I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years now.
I had been able to resist these feelings up until this past summer, because he had never had the same feelings. This summer he admitted to liking me too. We tried to be together and it didn’t work out. I was devastated and didn’t know what to do with myself. People started to worry that I was becoming an alcoholic due to how often I got drunk in a single week. Him and I hadn’t talked for just over six months, until recently. We got back in touch, and I was instantly reminded of how I felt about him.
He asked if I still liked him, and I told him my honest answer. When I asked when he stopped liking me, he took a long time to give me a straight answer. Eventually he told me that I was basically pretty but not datable, “if that makes sense”. I know it’s because we didn’t work out before, but that doesn’t change how much I wish we could try again. I know it’s not fair to who I’m with now, but I can’t keep denying it. It causes me a lot of pain to keep it hidden, or to try and convince myself that I don’t feel this way anymore.
I know that we’ll never be together, and I’ve come to terms with that as long as I can still have him as my friend. I write letters to him sometimes, but I never send them, nor will he ever see them. It’s for my own benefit, and I don’t think he would take the words written in it that well. I just wish that we could discuss the events that took place this summer, but he doesn’t want to bring it up and reopen the wounds that have slowly been healing for me. It’s funny because I’ve been waiting for him to tell me he still had feelings for me for the last six months, and when he finally does, I don’t know how to respond. I want to tell him 100% how I feel about him, but I rather not scare him away again.
The last thunderstorm I can remember happened before I ever knew how you felt about me. It happened while I was still trying to convince myself that I didn’t like you, that my heart was confused. But it was only me who was confused.
I wish I could say that I don’t feel that way anymore, hell I’d believe it until I saw you again. The thought of seeing you sends the butterflies soaring. I doubt you feel that way.
I dread the thought of seeing you because I know that I never truly mattered to you. I really wish I knew you’d be here before I decided to come.
Driving through a thunderstorm reminds me of all the flirting, all the laughter, and when I still thought you’d keep your promises and always be there for me. So much has happened since that day, and I can’t decide if I wish I could erase it or relive it.
I think that was the day that I let myself accept that I liked you because it was so difficult pretending that I didn’t. It was also the day that I started to wonder if you liked me too. Foolish me, getting my hopes up to only have them crushed.
I want to live my life as freely and happily as possible. I want to travel the world and live an adventure. I want to meet different people and be able to tell my children and grand children about all the things I used to do.
I want to fall in love so hard that it hurts to think of my life without that person. I want to breathe so much joy and enthusiasm into the world that generation after generation will be able to feel the mark I left behind.
I want so badly for my life to be filled with magic. Filled to the brim with hope, joy, and love, always love.
I long to make a difference, to help others as much as I possibly can. I want to try my hardest to make this world a better place.
I want so desperately, so utterly completely, with 100% of my being, to live.
It’s been nearly six months since I last spoke to you, and I still miss you terribly. I’ve realized that you unfriended me and have likely blocked all contact with me because of everything that happened between us, but that doesn’t change the fact that those things still happened. While cleaning my room, I found the book I used to write things in over the summer, and within the many pages I found things that I wrote about you. Many of the things came after we had our fight but the feelings still remain the same. I miss you and the friendship we had before “us” happened.
But was there ever really an “us”? I mean, you held my hand like there was, you’d kiss me in the moonlight and tell me how I was yours and that no one else could have me.You got jealous over any males who spoke to me or showed the slightest interest in me. Sounds a lot like you wanted “us” to be a reality, maybe as much as I did.
Yet now it’s been months upon months that I’ve tried to reach out to you, with nothing in return. Please explain to me what happened to all the promises you made me about how no matter what you were going to stay there for me? I’ve needed you over the last few months, things have fallen apart and I needed more people to talk too, but you weren’t there for me.
I want to blame you for everything that happened, I want to say that it was your fault for telling me that you liked me too, for leading me on and saying all these things about how much you wanted me, but it’s not your fault. It’s mine and mine alone. I allowed myself to listen to everything you said to me. I ignored the feeling in my gut telling me that it wasn’t going anywhere, because I was to focused on wanting it to be real because i had liked you so long. I was foolish for ever thinking that it could be more than a summer fling. I know that you’ll never read this, but I still want to say that I miss the person you let me believe you were. I miss all the late night conversations we would have, talking for what felt like hours underneath the moonlight. I hope that one day we can reconnect and be friends again. I truly miss you and your burning brown eyes.
The new year has started, and I have already seen many of the “new year, new me” posts going around social media. I’ve started off the new year without any real resolutions because no one typically follows through with them. I also started the year with a desire to change something about my life. I normally change my hair colour when I get this feeling, but I just recently changed it and don’t want to damage it anymore than I have too. I am getting a new tattoo in the next week and that isn’t a huge change for me. I cannot think of anything else to really change. I’m thinking of changing my style a little bit, and possibly going back to how I dressed in high school. At least a little similar. I’m not even in my twenties yet, and sometimes I feel like I could be going through a mid life crisis.
I want this year to look up for me, as I have struggled with self harm and self esteem issues since I was about 12 years old. Slowly my self esteem is building, and I am trying to combat depression as best as I can. I have a small cat who I love dearly and he helps make my days all the better. Does anyone else have ways they deal with the desire to change something? I can only think of so few things, and as of so far, the internet has not been helpful.
I hope everyone has started the year off pretty well, and that it remains golden for everyone.