Back to Where I started

I find it really hard when we can’t choose who we love and when. In life our hearts just decide on a person and you are left to deal with whatever situations arise from those feelings. I deal with the constant struggle of feeling guilty because I love who I am with, but I’ve also realized that my feelings for another has grown past the stage of liking. I’ve known this one individual for three years now, and I have liked him from the very first moment I laid eyes upon him, but I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years now.

I had been able to resist these feelings up until this past summer, because he had never had the same feelings. This summer he admitted to liking me too. We tried to be together and it didn’t work out. I was devastated and didn’t know what to do with myself. People started to worry that I was becoming an alcoholic due to how often I got drunk in a single week. Him and I hadn’t talked for just over six months, until recently. We got back in touch, and I was instantly reminded of how I felt about him.

He asked if I still liked him, and I told him my honest answer. When I asked when he stopped liking me, he took a long time to give me a straight answer. Eventually he told me that I was basically pretty but not datable, “if that makes sense”. I know it’s because we didn’t work out before, but that doesn’t change how much I wish we could try again. I know it’s not fair to who I’m with now, but I can’t keep denying it. It causes me a lot of pain to keep it hidden, or to try and convince myself that I don’t feel this way anymore.

I know that we’ll never be together, and I’ve come to terms with that as long as I can still have him as my friend. I write letters to him sometimes, but I never send them, nor will he ever see them. It’s for my own benefit, and I don’t think he would take the words written in it that well. I just wish that we could discuss the events that took place this summer, but he doesn’t want to bring it up and reopen the wounds that have slowly been healing for me.  It’s funny because I’ve been waiting for him to tell me he still had feelings for me for the last six months, and when he finally does, I don’t know how to respond. I want to tell him 100% how I feel about him, but I rather not scare him away again.

Which Direction to Take

When I think of my future, I know what I want. I want a family and a career, I want a home not just a house. I want love and respect. I want to help children grow up to become better. I want to create a better tomorrow. 

I have this idea printed firmly in my head, and I can see the pathway so clearly, until I’m ready to start making my way toward those dreams. I keep getting mixed up and lost along the way. My plans seem to be changing day by day, while I stay completely the same. 

I take a step toward a happily ever after, but someone else is always on my mind. I feel as though I’ll never be able to forget him, or love anyone more than him, and it’s not fair to the one I’m with, but I can’t convince my heart otherwise. I want to keep taking steps forward, I really do, but I can’t as long as I’m in love with this man. 

I know he doesn’t return the feelings, not in the slightest, and I can’t tell him about them or I’ll never hear from him again. It would probably benefit me if we never spoke again, but he’s one of my best friends and I miss him. I could tell him anything that was on my mind. Somethings I can’t even tell my significant other. 

I feel as though I am hiding from him, and that I am doing something wrong, but the only thing I am keeping from him is the pain and agony within my heart. It seems my world is getting darker and darker, and I feel as though I am beginning to suffocate underneath the weight of everything I deal with. I’m starting to lose motivation and trust in myself. I’m starting to forget why I stopped doing certain things, and I’m starting to remember why I did others in the first place. 

2am conversations. 

I don’t really get what it is about two in the morning, but that seems to be when we choose to have the deepest conversations of our lives with friends or loved ones. My most recent conversations pertained to relationships. 

My friend asked about my relationship with my boyfriend, and I explained the toughest part of my relationship; the committment. No, I’m not saying that I have major committment issues where I have a hard time staying with one person. I struggle with staying in one place. 

I’m so used to moving from one place to the next, where things constantly change. It’s sometimes difficult for me to stay perfectly content with a steady relationship. I love my partner, and I am extremely happy with him, but I struggle with the feelings of being trapped or stuck in a continuous loop. 

Driving Down Memory Lane. 

I’m surprised that I’ve made it this long since thinking about you, but here I am, remembering everything I ever liked about you. The sky is dark, starless and moonless, something that rarely happened when we were together. Street lights pass, as well as the bright headlights of oncoming traffic, and it just reminds me how much I miss you. 

I miss you in a way I’ve been denying. I don’t want to miss the romance, I miss the smiles we shared night after night, the laughs day after day. I miss the gentle touch of your hand as we crossed paths. I just miss YOU. 

It feels like forever since I looked into those burning brown eyes that you thought were average. Average wouldn’t haunt my dreams like your eyes do. 

You always had such a grumpy look on your face, but when it was graced with a smile, it lit up the entire room. Your laughter filled my heart with so much happiness that it feels cracked without it. I really miss the small moments. All the times you claimed to be anything but romantic, and then you’d say something sappy to try and raise my spirits. I feel like I’ll never be able to drive past this place, let alone go visit without feeling this ache in my heart. I really wish you’d come back telling me that you feel the same way, but I know deep in my soul that you won’t. That you don’t. And that’s okay because at least I know what I actually meant to you. 

……..nothing. 

My Dearest R

It’s been nearly six months since I last spoke to you, and I still miss you terribly. I’ve realized that you unfriended me and have likely blocked all contact with me because of everything that happened between us, but that doesn’t change the fact that those things still happened. While cleaning my room, I found the book I used to write things in over the summer, and within the many pages I found things that I wrote about you. Many of the things came after we had our fight but the feelings still remain the same. I miss you and the friendship we had before “us” happened.

But was there ever really an “us”? I mean, you held my hand like there was, you’d kiss me in the moonlight and tell me how I was yours and that no one else could have me.You got jealous over any males who spoke to me or showed the slightest interest in me. Sounds a lot like you wanted “us” to be a reality, maybe as much as I did.

Yet now it’s been months upon months that I’ve tried to reach out to you, with nothing in return. Please explain to me what happened to all the promises you made me about how no matter what you were going to stay there for me? I’ve needed you over the last few months, things have fallen apart and I needed more people to talk too, but you weren’t there for me.

I want to blame you for everything that happened, I want to say that it was your fault for telling me that you liked me too, for leading me on and saying all these things about how much you wanted me, but it’s not your fault. It’s mine and mine alone. I allowed myself to listen to everything you said to me. I ignored the feeling in my gut telling me that it wasn’t going anywhere, because I was to focused on wanting it to be real because i had liked you so long. I was foolish for ever thinking that it could be more than a summer fling. I know that you’ll never read this, but I still want to say that I miss the person you let me believe you were. I miss all the late night conversations we would have, talking for what felt like hours underneath the moonlight. I hope that one day we can reconnect and be friends again. I truly miss you and your burning brown eyes.

Sincerely,

The girl with many emotions.

Sleepless slumber

It’s 1:37 AM and yet sleep avoids me like the plague. Far too many thoughts swarm around inside my head. Things that I haven’t thought about for a while. I wish some memories would stay in the past. 

A song came on that reminds me of a different time, a different me. Every person has many masks, one for different situations and events. I’m a completely different person with my friends than I am when I work around children. I love summer camp, but if any of my friends from outside of camp saw me in that environment, I am sure they wouldn’t know me. 

Memories from the summer are bombarding me at the moment, and I truly wish they would stop. They make me miss things that I feel are wrong to miss, people who don’t miss me. There was a person at this camp whom I have grown close too over the last few years, and now we don’t talk. We both made mistakes, and our friendship suffered for it. 

At first I was too heartbroken to really know what to do with myself. I was lost and wandering to see if there was a possibility that I had dreamt the whole thing, but when I pinched myself and didn’t wake up, I took to my greatest outlet. I began writing letters. 

I’ve written many letters to him, describing my feelings and just random things that have occurred. I’ve never sent them, nor will he ever read them. I just needed to get feelings of my chest, needed to lift a large weight from my shoulders. I’ve become stronger because of all of this, but still, he haunts me. 

And now, as it’s 1:50 in the morning, his golden brown eyes haunt me, eyes he used to call normal, but they held magic in them. He was able to fix so many broken pieces of me. I only wish I could speak to him once again, tell him how much I miss him, remind him of all the good memories, and take back the mistakes I made. 

My heart is heavy, my eyes are starting to fall. And I shall fall asleep to the sound of my favourite music playing, and the thought of possibilities past.