To the Boy Who’ll Never Love Me

I know that I can be complicated, and frustrating. I know that I can be cruel, or over emotional. I can be many negative things, but I have so many good things about me. I love with all my heart. All I ever wanted to do was love your broken pieces, so that one day they’d be whole again. I fell in love with the façade you allowed me to see, then destroyed it all by allowing me to see the true you. 

You lead me to believe that you cared for me, even in the smallest way, but today you proved otherwise. It’s funny how a person can desire someone for so long, and never even get a fraction of that desire back. 

But it’s strange. I’ve come to the realization, that your rejection doesn’t kill me like it did before. It may have to do with me pouring my heart out to you. I told you I loved you, you said nothing, yet I still feel 100x better. Maybe I should have done that all along. 

I love you R. I feel like I might have always been in love. I went from watching you from afar, to calling you my friend, to realizing that these feelings were more than lust. Because you see, I didn’t want you for your body. I wanted you for your mind. For all the things I knew you really had to offer the world. You on the other hand, clearly just wanted me for sex. 

I hope that you’ll read this someday, and that it’ll make a ping in your gut to tell you that it was about you. I love you more than I ever could have told you too your face, but you’ll always just be the boy who never loved me back. 

Back to Where I started

I find it really hard when we can’t choose who we love and when. In life our hearts just decide on a person and you are left to deal with whatever situations arise from those feelings. I deal with the constant struggle of feeling guilty because I love who I am with, but I’ve also realized that my feelings for another has grown past the stage of liking. I’ve known this one individual for three years now, and I have liked him from the very first moment I laid eyes upon him, but I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years now.

I had been able to resist these feelings up until this past summer, because he had never had the same feelings. This summer he admitted to liking me too. We tried to be together and it didn’t work out. I was devastated and didn’t know what to do with myself. People started to worry that I was becoming an alcoholic due to how often I got drunk in a single week. Him and I hadn’t talked for just over six months, until recently. We got back in touch, and I was instantly reminded of how I felt about him.

He asked if I still liked him, and I told him my honest answer. When I asked when he stopped liking me, he took a long time to give me a straight answer. Eventually he told me that I was basically pretty but not datable, “if that makes sense”. I know it’s because we didn’t work out before, but that doesn’t change how much I wish we could try again. I know it’s not fair to who I’m with now, but I can’t keep denying it. It causes me a lot of pain to keep it hidden, or to try and convince myself that I don’t feel this way anymore.

I know that we’ll never be together, and I’ve come to terms with that as long as I can still have him as my friend. I write letters to him sometimes, but I never send them, nor will he ever see them. It’s for my own benefit, and I don’t think he would take the words written in it that well. I just wish that we could discuss the events that took place this summer, but he doesn’t want to bring it up and reopen the wounds that have slowly been healing for me.  It’s funny because I’ve been waiting for him to tell me he still had feelings for me for the last six months, and when he finally does, I don’t know how to respond. I want to tell him 100% how I feel about him, but I rather not scare him away again.

Memories within a Thunderstorm

The last thunderstorm I can remember happened before I ever knew how you felt about me. It happened while I was still trying to convince myself that I didn’t like you, that my heart was confused. But it was only me who was confused. 

I wish I could say that I don’t feel that way anymore, hell I’d believe it until I saw you again. The thought of seeing you sends the butterflies soaring. I doubt you feel that way. 

I dread the thought of seeing you because I know that I never truly mattered to you. I really wish I knew you’d be here before I decided to come. 

Driving through a thunderstorm reminds me of all the flirting, all the laughter, and when I still thought you’d keep your promises and always be there for me. So much has happened since that day, and I can’t decide if I wish I could erase it or relive it. 

I think that was the day that I let myself accept that I liked you because it was so difficult pretending that I didn’t. It was also the day that I started to wonder if you liked me too. Foolish me, getting my hopes up to only have them crushed. 

Driving Down Memory Lane.

I’m surprised that I’ve made it this long since thinking about you, but here I am, remembering everything I ever liked about you. The sky is dark, starless and moonless, something that rarely happened when we were together. Street lights pass, as well as the bright headlights of oncoming traffic, and it just reminds me how much I miss you. 

I miss you in a way I’ve been denying. I don’t want to miss the romance, I miss the smiles we shared night after night, the laughs day after day. I miss the gentle touch of your hand as we crossed paths. I just miss YOU. 

It feels like forever since I looked into those burning brown eyes that you thought were average. Average wouldn’t haunt my dreams like your eyes do. 

You always had such a grumpy look on your face, but when it was graced with a smile, it lit up the entire room. Your laughter filled my heart with so much happiness that it feels cracked without it. I really miss the small moments. All the times you claimed to be anything but romantic, and then you’d say something sappy to try and raise my spirits. I feel like I’ll never be able to drive past this place, let alone go visit without feeling this ache in my heart. I really wish you’d come back telling me that you feel the same way, but I know deep in my soul that you won’t. That you don’t. And that’s okay because at least I know what I actually meant to you. 

……..nothing.