Driving Down Memory Lane.

I’m surprised that I’ve made it this long since thinking about you, but here I am, remembering everything I ever liked about you. The sky is dark, starless and moonless, something that rarely happened when we were together. Street lights pass, as well as the bright headlights of oncoming traffic, and it just reminds me how much I miss you. 

I miss you in a way I’ve been denying. I don’t want to miss the romance, I miss the smiles we shared night after night, the laughs day after day. I miss the gentle touch of your hand as we crossed paths. I just miss YOU. 

It feels like forever since I looked into those burning brown eyes that you thought were average. Average wouldn’t haunt my dreams like your eyes do. 

You always had such a grumpy look on your face, but when it was graced with a smile, it lit up the entire room. Your laughter filled my heart with so much happiness that it feels cracked without it. I really miss the small moments. All the times you claimed to be anything but romantic, and then you’d say something sappy to try and raise my spirits. I feel like I’ll never be able to drive past this place, let alone go visit without feeling this ache in my heart. I really wish you’d come back telling me that you feel the same way, but I know deep in my soul that you won’t. That you don’t. And that’s okay because at least I know what I actually meant to you. 

……..nothing. 

My Dearest R

It’s been nearly six months since I last spoke to you, and I still miss you terribly. I’ve realized that you unfriended me and have likely blocked all contact with me because of everything that happened between us, but that doesn’t change the fact that those things still happened. While cleaning my room, I found the book I used to write things in over the summer, and within the many pages I found things that I wrote about you. Many of the things came after we had our fight but the feelings still remain the same. I miss you and the friendship we had before “us” happened.

But was there ever really an “us”? I mean, you held my hand like there was, you’d kiss me in the moonlight and tell me how I was yours and that no one else could have me.You got jealous over any males who spoke to me or showed the slightest interest in me. Sounds a lot like you wanted “us” to be a reality, maybe as much as I did.

Yet now it’s been months upon months that I’ve tried to reach out to you, with nothing in return. Please explain to me what happened to all the promises you made me about how no matter what you were going to stay there for me? I’ve needed you over the last few months, things have fallen apart and I needed more people to talk too, but you weren’t there for me.

I want to blame you for everything that happened, I want to say that it was your fault for telling me that you liked me too, for leading me on and saying all these things about how much you wanted me, but it’s not your fault. It’s mine and mine alone. I allowed myself to listen to everything you said to me. I ignored the feeling in my gut telling me that it wasn’t going anywhere, because I was to focused on wanting it to be real because i had liked you so long. I was foolish for ever thinking that it could be more than a summer fling. I know that you’ll never read this, but I still want to say that I miss the person you let me believe you were. I miss all the late night conversations we would have, talking for what felt like hours underneath the moonlight. I hope that one day we can reconnect and be friends again. I truly miss you and your burning brown eyes.

Sincerely,

The girl with many emotions.

Stuck in a Time Loop

Do you ever feel like you are living the same day over and over again, with only slight changes? Maybe you wake up at a different time, you eat something different, you have a shower or a bath and watch different shows, but other than that you feel suffocated and lost? 

Have you ever lost a job and just lounged around because, well, why not? And at first it’s fun, but eventually you go a little crazy. Doing the same stuff day in and day out isn’t cool or exciting. It’s repetitive and boring. 

I personally want adventure in my life, but I work one day a week for minimum wage and rent and my pets come first. It’s a little hard sometimes. I go a little stir crazy. I overhear and get frustrated, I want to throw things and scream, but I know my landlord wouldn’t appreciate that very much. 

There’s only so much you can do in one day, only so much tv to watch, and only so long you can stay in bed. I’ve tried countless times to pick up a hobby, but it’s difficult. Nothing catches my attention much. 

School starts soon for me and hopefully that will pick my spirits back up, but until then, I feel like I’m going through a 1/4 crisis, because I’m too young for a mid-life crisis. 

Anyone have suggestions on hobbies they enjoy? Or can just relate in anyway, shape, or form? I’m sick of going stir crazy, but it’s hard to leave when you’ve been there for a little while. 

Sleepless slumber

It’s 1:37 AM and yet sleep avoids me like the plague. Far too many thoughts swarm around inside my head. Things that I haven’t thought about for a while. I wish some memories would stay in the past. 

A song came on that reminds me of a different time, a different me. Every person has many masks, one for different situations and events. I’m a completely different person with my friends than I am when I work around children. I love summer camp, but if any of my friends from outside of camp saw me in that environment, I am sure they wouldn’t know me. 

Memories from the summer are bombarding me at the moment, and I truly wish they would stop. They make me miss things that I feel are wrong to miss, people who don’t miss me. There was a person at this camp whom I have grown close too over the last few years, and now we don’t talk. We both made mistakes, and our friendship suffered for it. 

At first I was too heartbroken to really know what to do with myself. I was lost and wandering to see if there was a possibility that I had dreamt the whole thing, but when I pinched myself and didn’t wake up, I took to my greatest outlet. I began writing letters. 

I’ve written many letters to him, describing my feelings and just random things that have occurred. I’ve never sent them, nor will he ever read them. I just needed to get feelings of my chest, needed to lift a large weight from my shoulders. I’ve become stronger because of all of this, but still, he haunts me. 

And now, as it’s 1:50 in the morning, his golden brown eyes haunt me, eyes he used to call normal, but they held magic in them. He was able to fix so many broken pieces of me. I only wish I could speak to him once again, tell him how much I miss him, remind him of all the good memories, and take back the mistakes I made. 

My heart is heavy, my eyes are starting to fall. And I shall fall asleep to the sound of my favourite music playing, and the thought of possibilities past. 

New year, same me.

The new year has started, and I have already seen many of the “new year, new me” posts going around social media. I’ve started off the new year without any real resolutions because no one typically follows through with them. I also started the year with a desire to change something about my life. I normally change my hair colour when I get this feeling, but I just recently changed it and don’t want to damage it anymore than I have too. I am getting a new tattoo in the next week and that isn’t a huge change for me. I cannot think of anything else to really change. I’m thinking of changing my style a little bit, and possibly going back to how I dressed in high school. At least a little similar. I’m not even in my twenties yet, and sometimes I feel like I could be going through a mid life crisis.

I want this year to look up for me, as I have struggled with self harm and self esteem issues since I was about 12 years old. Slowly my self esteem is building, and I am trying to combat depression as best as I can. I have a small cat who I love dearly and he helps make my days all the better. Does anyone else have ways they deal with the desire to change something? I can only think of so few things, and as of so far, the internet has not been helpful.

I hope everyone has started the year off pretty well, and that it remains golden for everyone.